Not Trying to REINVENT the Wheel

I am trying to make things a bit more healthy and trying to find good foods that will work for me.  But I have been searching the net wanting to get good wholesome REAL foods to include in my diet that does not have gobs of sugar and fat.

One thing I wanted was a oil-free, sugar-free granola

CAN"T FIND ONE!  So very frustrating.  So I have to create my own.  I have NEVER made granola.  Heck I don't even know the basics of a recipe.  All I do know is that there is oatmeal, nuts and berries.

I am going to try my own recipe with agave nectar and some of my homemade sugar free apple sauce, and then I am going to use my dehydrator to "cook" it.

Do you have any recipes you want me to try and if I like them I will post to them to the recipe page?

Oh NO...Not the RIDES!!!

Being overweight carries with it so many mind games.  Often I think that I can't fit onto this ride.  Or I will have to buy an extra seat on a flight.  This is very hard to accept that you are or may be that big.  Even when it is not the case, as I have not reached the level of unhealthy, it is still something that races through my mind EVERYDAY!!!

I can hardly "weight" for the day when I don't think about my weight.

Today is not that day....anyway....

Yesterday, the family went to Lagoon Amusement Park.  It was fun in the end, but the thought of riding the rides...okay fitting on the rides was not fun, really down right nerve racking.

I did ride all the rides.  And enjoyed them too.  Still I was uncomfortable thinking that everyone would breakdown because of me.  Just thinking of the humiliation of being told either, "Sorry Ma'am your just to BIG," had me sweating the pounds off as I stood there.  Luckily, that never happened. 

But I did see if happen to one lady who was on the ride and two of the operators tried to latch her in the ride but couldn't.  Shamefully, she got off the ride and her young daughter rode the ride without her in complete terror. 

That was the saddest thing I have ever witnessed and I don't want to be that lady.

As side note.  The husband noticed that he was getting a bit pudgy.  He is, but I hope that I can help him curb the situation before it turns into my problem.  At the moment, he only needs to lose about 20lbs.

NuMbErS

149/99 Blood Pressure + 243.5 lbs =

This morning, I had a cold hard shocker.  I went shopping to pick up a few things and I came by one of those blood pressure machines they have just sitting there.  I try them every once in a while and get up with a smile on my face PROUD that everything is in check

Not today.

I couldn't move.  A lump formed in my throat and hot tears filled eyes.  Shocked by the numbers.  I have never had numbers like that.  I have prided myself with having a reading of about 96/64.  And there I sat realizing that 149/99 was not good.

I immediately thought about my kids and how they will have to bury me soon, if I don't get this down.  My second thought was I don't want to be like my mom.

I love my mom, but she is suffering from a lot of health issues and I don't want to be where she is.

I have to change I need help, but "I" to change.  I think I will be going back to my vegetarian ways.  Things were better then and I learned how to feed my body right as well as my family.

Grappling

Since my last post I have been looking at "diets".  And of course I don't have to look to far for the "best" one. 

There is the Atkins Diet, which scares me with all the fat in it.~Don't think I will be trying that one.  The Dukan Diet, which I haven't tried but very curious about.  Weight Watchers, wasn't that successful with it.  I was on Phentremine (just half of the phen-phen), it worked and gave me energy, but eventually it wained.  I have to admit, I did the bulimic thing for a while, but when I learned about the ruining your teeth info, that ended that.  Myfitnesspal was the best one, not because I lost a lot of weight, but that it really was a lifestyle change program that made you accountable and with the social network of friends and family...it kept me on track, but I let go of that when school started to get hectic.

Heck I even thought that once I had my breast reduction the fat would just go too...Nope didn't happen.  So with all of that what have learned. 

Healthly weight is a life-long journey.  You are only done when you're dead.  And if I don't get this under control I will have cut my journey short.  I will have given up.  And I need to finish.

But what do I do?  Do I see a surgeon and ask him or her how much I would need to lose for them to do the rest...or at least rid me of the leftover skin.  Do I workout 5-6 hours a day like the Biggest Losers, which I actually tried out for TWICE, and was told NOT BIG ENOUGH!!!"  Are they kidding!?!?  Do I just continue with my plithera of workout videos: Insanity, DWTS, Taebo etc.?  Pay some enormous amount of money to a personal trainer, that I can't afford?  Or do I accept that this is, what it is?

This is hard...not knowing which way to go and not really seeing any help coming my way.

Support anyone?  Anyone out there willing to be my professional personal trainer/nutritionist, for free and make me your project?  Let me be your success story.  I'm willing to give you a try if you are willing to be dedicated to helping me get on track and lose this weight so I can be here for my kids and husband.

The Truth Be Told

This is what sadness, depression, disappointment, betrayal, broken, abuse and hatred looks like...and when I have given up for the ....can't even put a number on it.

 ...below is 15 days into Insanity...and then I gave up!!!!



How did I get here?

It had to have started somewhere.

And I have to go way back in the memory bank, and feel and acknowledge some really disturbing %&$#. 

To say it out loud is not only freeing, but it is also very hard and scary.

My first memory of my very young childhood is not that of playing in a meadow.  Nor is it a pleasant outing with family.  My first young childhood memory is that of being molested by an uncle. And every other memory is just as disturbing.  I was molested by my half-brother and two uncles all of who are dead except one.  These experiences have affected me in ways that are factors in my choices, even in who I have married and I still have not yet discovered all of the effects.


Other memories are of being sexual assaulted at 13 by a 30 year old drunk neighbor.  He didn't have intercourse with me, but he did pin me up against a wall and forcefully kissed and grope me as I tried to get away.  I did succeed in escaping.  I never told.

I never told.

All of these years I never told.  I have been walking around full of shame and watching things happen to me all my life. As a spectator to this, now a woman's soap opera. 

There have been years of the two coming together and actually participating as one and enjoying the joys of life, but still many more years of just watching.

The past has a funny way of telling you what your future will be like.  I knew that what had happened to me then, would shape who I would become.

I knew I would be married to the person I am married to.  I knew that the road would be less hard for me than it was for my mother.  I knew I had been damaged, but still lovable.

All these things I knew, which are wonderful, but still I had so much to learn.

One thing I've learned is that being in love with someone is not the same as being loved by someone.  And that love can blind you, if you let it.  I have. I did.  Now, I have taking the blinders off and can see real love.

But that lesson brought with it depression, sadness, anger and pounds.  As I think about it every extra pound that I have been willing to carry has its purpose and reason for being. 

EVERY SINGLE POUND!!!

Not every one has an individual name, because many have come in groups, but they do have a name.

And admittedly not all of them are bad, some came because of good things...that I let get out of hand.

How about that!!!  Every pound has a name and a purpose.  But the question to letting them go is, have they done their time?  Have they served their purpose?  Have I been selfishly holding on to them because of comfort and familiarity?  Am I afraid of what it would be like for everyone to see who I really am under all of the pounds?

I am not one who believes that my fat hides a "skinny" me.  I know it hides the shame I feel and the pain that 80lbs. covers up.  I know it hides the quiet and reserved person I really am.  The person who is content to be quiet.  To sit in silence and be happy.

I am just scratching the surface here.... 

There's Always a ????

• 5:54 am
• 4 minutes til the alarm goes off for David to up and get going
• I stare at the red numbers....

I lay here in bed trying to think about what I will be doing this day.  No immediate plans, just blank.  A stay-at-home mom who is overweight, over stressed and out of sorts.  I look over to see my dreamboat of a husband, slumbering and I wonder...

How did I get here?  When did I turn off the lights for myself?  How long will he stay with this mess of a wife and mother?

I know I am afraid to hear the answers, so I put on a big front of happy, intelligent, strong and clever...all of which I am not.

This blog is not a bash to myself blog, it is my search for the real me.  The 'one' that will love and can handle being loved.  The 'one' that can handle compliments and accomplishments.  The 'one' that can own success and failure.  The 'one' who is worthy of friends and friendships.

So, now I will go and sit and meditate on the question...How did I get here?