It seems to me...

...that I have to just make the decision.

Last night my very insightful husband, me and the rest of the family were talking to my mom on speaker phone.  It was a great time....honestly it was.  Lots of giggles and ah ha!! moments that I didn't express, but the bells were going off in my body and mind.

We were talking about health and Aiden, piped in and simple stated, "Lala, just stop eating the bad stuff, it's not good for your body, you just need to stop."  Which took my mom by surprise. 

If you know nothing else about Aiden, it is that, the boy, is very opinionated.

David added, "You just have to make the decision that you want to feel better." 

WOW!!!

Sounds simple right???  Well, really......it is (at least I hope so). 

Deep deep deep down in conscience I have not  made the decision TOTALLY to be healthier.

Yes....I do sign up and do the 5Ks. (I really like them, but I am sure I can push harder.)

Yes...I think I am making the right food choices for my health (except when I allow the burger cravings, chocolate cravings, salt cravings, pretty much anything get the best of me and I eat until I am pained...I realize that this is not good and that I need to find out what's "eating" me).

Yes...I weigh myself like I should (however, lately have been allowing the number to determine my value).

So, my intentions are great and some of my actions....but I haven't made the concrete decision to be healthier...TOTALLY.

Right now, I am trying a new food approach.  Vegetarian...I was going to do Vegan, but that is too hard for me at the moment.  I am on day 3 of this new journey and so far so good.  The family had not recognized that they have not had meat since Sunday and they don't seem to mind.

So it seems to me, that a decision to be healthier is simple, yet there are many layers to the TOTAL decision and maybe I am just at the beginning, and I don't necessarily think that is bad...you got start there anyway.

What do I do?

But here's the deal.  I am struggling a little with trying to make sure I am eating the right things.  The one thing I have always hated about making a lifestyle change is the psychotic feeling I have about what I am putting in my mouth.  When I know I've made the wrong choice I get depressed then I blow it all to smithereens (what a word!)

I have found that when I am doing the right thing I am so neurotic about it that I end up making myself sick, by not eating all of calories I'm suppose to it.  

Does anyone have any tips as to how or what to eat to make me feel full and satiated and not guilty for eating all of it?  And how to not drive myself crazy with measuring and counting, etc.  

I have been doing myfitnesspal.com  and it is wonderful (I'm listed as nakiasyree, if you ever want to try and friend me), but I am afraid that I am not doing something right.

I did this...

I did this and now I have to do something else.

This scares the HELL out of me.

I have been hiding from something or someone.

I was watching the movie Akeelah and the bee and this was the exchanged that ripped to my core.

Akeelah: [quoting Marianne Williamson] Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

Dr. Larabee: Does that mean anything to you?

Akeelah: I don't know.

Dr. Larabee: It's written in plain English. What does it mean?

Akeelah: That I'm not supposed to be afraid?

Dr. Larabee: Afraid of what?

Akeelah: Afraid of... me?


I have come to the understanding that I am afraid of me and what I can become, other than just a mom, and a wife.


So I have hidden myself under layers and layers of unhealthy choices and guilt of being or at least feeling empty.


I see all of these brave women all around me and they are strong and I don't see that in me...or am I afraid of the power of my strength....


I need to lose so much in order for me to gain more than I have.


I am Nakia


My current stats are:


Weight: 242.5 lbs.


Height:  5'3"


Hips: 51"


Waist: 43.5"


Thighs: 30"


Arms: 17"


Chest: 47"


BMI: 43- OBESE

My BMI says that I need to be between 107 lbs - 135 lbs.  Those numbers are not my goal.  I want to be no less than 150 lbs.  That was my happy size and I was very healthy then.