What do I do?

But here's the deal.  I am struggling a little with trying to make sure I am eating the right things.  The one thing I have always hated about making a lifestyle change is the psychotic feeling I have about what I am putting in my mouth.  When I know I've made the wrong choice I get depressed then I blow it all to smithereens (what a word!)

I have found that when I am doing the right thing I am so neurotic about it that I end up making myself sick, by not eating all of calories I'm suppose to it.  

Does anyone have any tips as to how or what to eat to make me feel full and satiated and not guilty for eating all of it?  And how to not drive myself crazy with measuring and counting, etc.  

I have been doing myfitnesspal.com  and it is wonderful (I'm listed as nakiasyree, if you ever want to try and friend me), but I am afraid that I am not doing something right.

I did this...

I did this and now I have to do something else.

This scares the HELL out of me.

I have been hiding from something or someone.

I was watching the movie Akeelah and the bee and this was the exchanged that ripped to my core.

Akeelah: [quoting Marianne Williamson] Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

Dr. Larabee: Does that mean anything to you?

Akeelah: I don't know.

Dr. Larabee: It's written in plain English. What does it mean?

Akeelah: That I'm not supposed to be afraid?

Dr. Larabee: Afraid of what?

Akeelah: Afraid of... me?


I have come to the understanding that I am afraid of me and what I can become, other than just a mom, and a wife.


So I have hidden myself under layers and layers of unhealthy choices and guilt of being or at least feeling empty.


I see all of these brave women all around me and they are strong and I don't see that in me...or am I afraid of the power of my strength....


I need to lose so much in order for me to gain more than I have.


I am Nakia


My current stats are:


Weight: 242.5 lbs.


Height:  5'3"


Hips: 51"


Waist: 43.5"


Thighs: 30"


Arms: 17"


Chest: 47"


BMI: 43- OBESE

My BMI says that I need to be between 107 lbs - 135 lbs.  Those numbers are not my goal.  I want to be no less than 150 lbs.  That was my happy size and I was very healthy then.