In worrying about my weight, I have thought a lot about how some people have achieved their weight loss. Some have worked there butts off. Others needed the assistance of a doctor and have taken the drastic WLS(weight loss surgery) way. There are people who have reduce calorie intake to 500 calories while taking HCG products. And the most scary way, in my opinion has been through a eating disorder.
My mom has in the past teased me about bulimia. And today is the first time I will publicly admit that I did practice bulimia.
I've come to understand that bulimia is not a food thing, at least not for me. It was and still is a mind thing. A self-esteem thing. Something, I did to try to be like those around me, who were all thin and beautiful. And some of those people are still thin and beautiful, even after kids. My mother would often say, "Black women are built differently, I don't know why we (black women) tend to get 'big' after we have babies...
My husband says, "I'm a man who likes meat of my bone." I know he says that out of trying to make me feel better, but it often hurts. Only because I think he's settling for something less than...and we have often told our children that settling is not an option.
With all of that said, I will say that on this journey I have thought often about bulimia. Especially in my alone times. I have begun to come up with justifications as to why I should, but I come back to that day is high school, when I fainted and was taken to the hospital and was kept for over a week for observation. Then I tricked the doctor's to thinking that I was just overly stressed with school, but it was because I had been purging for 3 days straight and it had finally caught up with me.
So I have come to that very fine line again. Trying to figure out if I am going to be doing this the healthy way and putting in the time or going back to my old destructive ways...and I choose the hard road.
I think I am at a turning point. I now realize that my weight issue is more of a mental change in myself than it is physical. I honestly believe that as I strengthen mentally the physical will follow.
I hope you continue to support me. Thanks.
My mom has in the past teased me about bulimia. And today is the first time I will publicly admit that I did practice bulimia.
I've come to understand that bulimia is not a food thing, at least not for me. It was and still is a mind thing. A self-esteem thing. Something, I did to try to be like those around me, who were all thin and beautiful. And some of those people are still thin and beautiful, even after kids. My mother would often say, "Black women are built differently, I don't know why we (black women) tend to get 'big' after we have babies...
My husband says, "I'm a man who likes meat of my bone." I know he says that out of trying to make me feel better, but it often hurts. Only because I think he's settling for something less than...and we have often told our children that settling is not an option.
With all of that said, I will say that on this journey I have thought often about bulimia. Especially in my alone times. I have begun to come up with justifications as to why I should, but I come back to that day is high school, when I fainted and was taken to the hospital and was kept for over a week for observation. Then I tricked the doctor's to thinking that I was just overly stressed with school, but it was because I had been purging for 3 days straight and it had finally caught up with me.
So I have come to that very fine line again. Trying to figure out if I am going to be doing this the healthy way and putting in the time or going back to my old destructive ways...and I choose the hard road.
I think I am at a turning point. I now realize that my weight issue is more of a mental change in myself than it is physical. I honestly believe that as I strengthen mentally the physical will follow.
I hope you continue to support me. Thanks.
1 comment:
I feel you girl. Weight for me has always been a mental thing, and it is HARD. I began gaining weight when I was young, about 10 because of my family issues. It has been hard to work out in my brain and I was often even SCARED to loose weight because I don't know who the skinny me is. Its taken a lot of work, but I think I am finally in a good place about things mentally, which is why I think for the first time in my life I have been able to shed any weight. You can do it girl! And I know you have it in you to do it the right way. I'm here for you any time you need me.
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